Mutually Assured Destruction

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” ― Blaise Pascal

The sun has kissed the length of the horizon, and you are safe somewhere within the four walls you've invested in. You're comfortable, you've eaten and now the shower beckons. In an hour or so you crawl into bed, a sacred space.

Tonight you've decided to continue your self improvement campaign, so you anxiously open your Duolingo app to get in some French practice or you pull out that book you've been meaning to read for so long. When your soul is satisfied you put all that away, turn the lights out and find that one good spot and begin to drift.

In that very quiet moment, your mind reminds you of all the moments of cringe. All the times past when you swore you were in love. All the times you swore that person was the one. Oh, the price you paid for your false perceptions and blissful ignorance. Sleep now evades as you are stuck to ponder the how's and the why's.

Time and love are cruel and fickle mistresses, love being the most nefarious of the two. She calls from the depths of uncertainty like a salacious siren taking with her the unsuspecting ones who meet her gaze. The mystery of her ways are sought by many, yet nothing has ever made me so uneasy.

The human race has mapped galaxies and chartered seas, we have climbed mountains and made architectural behemoths but we are still mere imbeciles when it comes to love. Everyone, and I do mean EVERY one has an opinion.

The quotes are endless, the list of songs overwhelming, the books, the plays, the movies, but no ones seems to really get it. Our minds are constantly plagued with untruths and we fantasize about the day love will lay down her scythe to grant us mercy, so we have the one we crave so desperately.

Discussing love at length could easily take weeks, and as we say on this blog "who has the time?" The topic is multidimensional, consequently, we'll just discuss matters of intimate love (today).

So, pop quiz! (It Is just one question, promise).

1. It has been a minute and you finally find someone who does not immediately repulse you, do you:

a) Text them for three weeks then tell your friends " We're just talking" only to forget their existence in the next 2 weeks?

b) Forget you are currently in whole other relationship and continue to waste their time?

c) #Useandabuse ( sex, money, w/e else)?

d) Be a decent human being?

Time allotted: 0.5 secs

The answer seems so obvious yet so many find this basic concept incomprehensible.

The game has changed but what hurts is that it has also stayed the same. It is a struggle out here to find a suitable partner and to maintain a loving relationship.

It is even harder to just date, which brings me to my next question. What ever happen to dating? Did I one day fall off the face of the earth and somehow re-enter to a time were I am forced to live among savages. Did the dating process of my grandparents or parents just disappear overnight? Why is the matter so complicated?

Yes, dating is different for everyone, be that as it may, it consists of going on actual dates outside your couch or your bed, where you participate in activities exclusive of sex for free or for coins, as long as SOMEBODY made SOME effort.

Dating should be a "getting to know you" ordeal. This is the time to be transparent and to use your words. You can decide to date just one person or you can date more than one ( until you narrow it down to one). When or if the time comes that you would like to persue things further, do so and if you rather not. Just say so.

The minimal requirement is that you be an adult who is conscionable. The way in which you guard your heart do the same for others. The world is already fully endowed with the rancid stench of man's foolishness. Do not make finding love more difficult than it has to be. This is not a game.

We love to say that there are no good people left. Lord knows it feels like the truth, but what if your "person" is not on this side of the world? What if the feelings, whether they be of hatred or unrequited love for/from someone else are hinderances to the process? What if you do not even understand what it is you need from a relationship?

You should not be looking to date if you think your high school list is still applicable, if you are looking for someone to pay your bill, or feed your kids. You do not belong in the dating world if you have no future ambitions and are content with staying where you are now for the next year or the next five.

You have no right to enter a person's life if you belong to someone else, though that should go without saying.

Some of you are too old to be playing tom fool or to act as if you do not know when you are wrong or when you have hurt or are currently hurting someone! Too damn old to be playing these games! While you are being Jester of the year, your hairline is receding, Sir! and Miss your edges are thinning all the while your prospects lessen! Get It together. Tell your friends too if you know they are guilty.

With all that being said, for the good ones, there is no rush. Yes you may be the last one to get married, and so what! Marriage is not an accomplishment. They don't give degrees for that because anyone can do It. Take your time and look for the things in a person that matter.

Are they fiscally responsible?

How is their relationship with their family?

Are they knowledgeable about the basics?

Are they ambitious and adventurous?

Do they give you space to be yourself and to enjoy yourself?

Do they respect you, your body, your choices, your family, your religion?

Do they take care of you?

Do they make plans or make you laugh?

Can they express themselves?

Can you argue with them intelligibly?

Are they honest?

Do they stand up for you?

Have you seen them in pain?

Have you seen them in anger?

Do their words match their actions?

Do they keep their promises?

I understand that the process is scary and my advise may not seem credible. Looking back, I question the times I have been in love. To be honest I think I lied.

I had not yet seen nor had I understood what that really meant. I still do not know if I am willing or able to try again. Somedays my plate overflows with innumerable responsibilities. I am still in the stage of my life where I feel like a relationship or the anticipation of one is just a burden.

Other days I feel unworthy. I have come to the realization now that that is not an uncommon feeling. Lots of people feel that they do not deserve to be loved. Others are so broken that just to stand in their presence breaks you too. Hurt people, hurt people and with that I see no lies.

In fear, we come up with all these rules and steps. We argue about who should be paying for what, which, by the way, if yuh bruk,"weh love a guh?" We have long group chats about where dates should be or not be.

How many dates we should go on, the list goes on! All to hide the insecurities and that simple fact that, NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING!

This generation and the one that follows is so caught up with the "what do they look like? What do they have?

Who do they know?

Where have they been?

Who have they dated?

How many followers? All the non-essentials.

Once again majoring in the minor things.

Look to Hollywood or your nearest Instagram feed. Those are the people they use to sell perfection. These are the people so many strive to be. These are what the people we choose are suppose to be like and look like, right? If that is that case why can they not keep a partner or a marriage?

My neck is tired.

I get whiplash every time a couple gets together then breaks up 7 mins and 42 seconds later. How can they be the standard? The formula is flawed. Stop using them as a meter. It will never be a fair fight. If by the grace of God you have found a person that conveys the above positive attributes and lack serial killer tendencies, be to them what they are to you. It is that simple.

If like me you have doubts about the process and the outcome use this time to further yourself. It is not a crime to not want the same things as everyone else. The same people who constantly question you about your singleness will be the same to judge if you are in a relationship and it fails. Those same people live in dens of unhappiness. Let that one sink.

Not everyone will marry. Not everyone will have children. Not everyone will find intimate love and not everyone wants it. More people are being vocal about that and if you feel similar feeling, then you just do. Personalities vary as do people and their motives. Just be honest with yourself and those around you. Do not allow people to " set you up" because you have found a way to be happy or even content without a relationship and that makes them uncomfortable.

To each his own. That phrase was not created to be stylish. It was said because means something. Be confident in the paths you choose. Do not discredit your feelings and do not allow the words of others to be a watermark on your life. When you close your eyes at night or even if you are reading this in your heard whose voice do you hear? Your own. That is the voice that should take precedence. How can you let someone live their lives and force you to live their lives too?

Be assured though that Love requires sacrifice. Grave sacrifice. You must seek, find and love the parts of a person that may initially disgust you. You must allow them to seek find and love those parts of you as well. Make an effort to rediscover why you love them, every day. When you are certain that " this is it" find different ways to express that love.

They should not have to ask if they are loved, the people around you both should be able to tell without a shadow of a doubt. Communicate your disappointments and be sure to identify the times when resentment starts to grow and nip it in the bud. You cannot love someone you cannot lovingly reprimand or correct. Respect them and nurture them and if you find you cannot be or do those things. Stop. Just stop. It will hurt but it will also heal. Love is beautiful but it is also mutually assured destruction if you do not learn it's ways.

Sign up for it or don't. Either way, Love remains who she is, a treasure few find and even fewer touch.

Until Next time, Baci!